


les amis? i guess they never miss huh

by northblossom



Category: Les Misérables (2012), Les Misérables - Victor Hugo
Genre: Crack, Dorms, EVENTUALLY there will be mentions of an abusive relationship, Ensemble Cast, F/F, F/M, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Texting, bahorel is an edgelord and also a bastard, enjolras doesn't know anything about females, enjolras is protective, grantaire is a professionally trained swing dancer - Freeform, i thought of this at twelve am, just so you know, marius and cosette have a connection, marius is an astrology hoe, no actual smut though dont worry, no i haven't read the book, this is a mess, unhinged
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-18
Updated: 2020-03-23
Packaged: 2020-12-22 19:36:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 6,365
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21081989
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/northblossom/pseuds/northblossom
Summary: grantaire makes a big groupchat for the lads (cosette and éponine included.) chaos definitely ensues.





	1. the madness begins

**Author's Note:**

> i apologize in advance.
> 
> here's just a list of all the nicknames: 
> 
> combeferre: ferret  
marius: MARI  
enjolras: Enjolras  
grantaire: grandma  
cosette: Courgette  
éponine: panini  
courfeyrac: potrack  
feuilly: fiji water  
joly: jelly bean  
bahorel: RAWR  
jehan: apple bottom jehan  
bossuet: bossyeet

**grandma has added Enjolras and 10 others to the group chat "neatly assorted idiots".**

Enjolras: Uh… What’s this?

grandma: a group chat, silly!

RAWR: i can see that but why

jelly bean: clearly he wants our family to be closer

fiji water: GOOD i love you all

Enjolras: I can tell that it’s a group chat, but yeah, Bahorel, _ why _?

grandma: because we’re best fwiends!

ferret: grantaire for the love of god

ferret: don’t ever say that again

Enjolras: Grantaire, why are you like this?

panini: QUESTION

panini: isn’t living together more than enough…

Courgette: But Ponine, this seems fun!

panini: on second thought i totally agree

potrack: i’m SO GLAD we have cosette here to help éponine lighten the fuck up

grandma: well said mate

grandma: she’s just a ray of fucking sunshine isn’t she

Enjolras: I can’t tell if you’re earnestly referring to Cosette or ironically referring to Éponine.

grandma: good guess! it’s a little bit of both

MARI: all jokes aside though, my horoscope is telling me that this is bad

RAWR: your horoscope is full of shit marius

apple bottom jehan: don’t make fun of astrology!!

MARI: my horoscope also told me that a bitch may test me, bahorel, and it was damn right about that

ferret: ooOh get him !!!

MARI: however in all seriousness

MARI: what my horoscope actually DID tell me

MARI: is that i’ll meet a special someone soon who is bringing love into my life

potrack: bro that’s awesome

MARI: thanks!! i just really wonder who she is.. i guess time will show!

Enjolras: Congrats.

panini: good to hear you’re finally getting some, mate

MARI: same to you, nerd

bossyeet: anyway hoes

bossyeet: i assume you all know what day it is

RAWR: is it bully enjolras day

RAWR: please tell me it is

Enjolras: Excuse me?

grandma: OH IS IT

potrack: the days on which we get to bully enjy are too few and too far in between

Enjolras: Go ahead, then, bully me. I’m actually excited to hear what you have to say. 

bossyeet: uh

potrack: boys help me out here

grandma: i gotchu

grandma: enjy is a VIRGIN

RAWR: sHIT mate you really got him there

Enjolras: Yeah, no, you’re all full of shit.

potrack: grantaire that was a little embarrassing

grandma: nono my point is

grandma: i could do something about that;)

Enjolras: Hm. I wish I’d understand what you mean, Grantaire.

Enjolras: Anyway, I’m going to head off for a while. 

Enjolras: Schoolwork. 

grandma: alright enjjjy good luck

Enjolras: Cheers, mate.

**Enjolras is now offline.**

apple bottom jehan: I’m actually starting to think that enjolras can’t read

potrack: explain

apple bottom jehan: Well, you know! grantaire hits on him all the time and he pretends he doesn’t see it..

fiji water: maybe he’s into girls after all? who knows

panini: enjolras? into females? 

panini: sorry i needed a minute to LAUGH

ferret: I don’t think you really understand how little Enjolras actually knows about women. 

RAWR: bro it’s fuckin hilarious

panini: my little brother came to him for help with girls once

potrack: GAVROCHE

potrack: the man, the myth, the legend

panini: exactly!

panini: but as i said he came to enjy for girl help

panini: (fuck if i know why)

panini: and what did he say 

panini: “girls? i’ve heard of them i guess”

fiji water: hAHAH

fiji water: oh my god did he for real

panini: YEAH

panini: gavroche told me about it afterwards, he didn’t get ANY good advice AT ALL

panini: he should have asked courf instead

potrack: well ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ 

potrack: i guess i know my females

Courgette: That’s one way to put it.

panini: oH hi cosette 

Courgette: Hi, Ponine:))

panini: how’s your evenimg??

Courgette: It’s lovely right now! And yours?

panini: that’s nice to hear! i don’t have much to do, honestly, so i’m just lying around

Courgette: Come over here and play Animal Crossing with me, then!

panini: oooOoOh comingngngn 

panini: waait i wouldn’t want to disturb enjy

panini: he’s in your room with his homework right

Courgette: He is right now, but that’s okay. I’ll just banish him to the kitchen. Come on!!

panini: okay coming!!

apple bottom jehan: I wish i had someone to play animal crossing with

RAWR: that’s a bit of a nerdy game innit

apple bottom jehan: It is! perfect for you

ferret: Spare him some mercy, Jehan. Poor lad.

apple bottom jehan: Was that sarcasm

RAWR: oH nOoO sure it wasn’t

RAWR: you dumbass

apple bottom jehan: Shut up bastard


	2. jehan's cactus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> bahorel and jehan don't get along very well (yet.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi everyone and thanks to everyone who read the previous hapter and thanks for all the kudos! i appreciate it so much!!!!

**** **group chat: neatly assorted idiots**

apple bottom jehan: Sometimes i wonder why bahorel is so bitter

apple bottom jehan: But then i realize

apple bottom jehan: It’s likely the reason why and the cause of no one liking him

Enjolras: Okay, what happened?

apple bottom jehan: he broke my cactus

RAWR: i’ve told you dumbass it was an ACCIDENT

grandma: why’d you leave HIM in charge of your cactus

Enjolras: Actually, that’s a good point, R.

Enjolras: Bahorel can barely take care of himself, why’d you let him oversee a cactus?

apple bottom jehan: okay listen

apple bottom jehan: I didn’t leave him in charge

apple bottom jehan: He entered the room WITHOUT PERMISSION

grandma: jehan sweetie i thought i told you to not let bahorel in

bossyeet: that was just poor planning

apple bottom jehan: I DIDN’T MEAN TO

apple bottom jehan: THE DOOR WAS LOCKED

Enjolras: Okay, okay, what happened then?

apple bottom jehan: He knocks my cactus over with his stupid arm

RAWR: exactly. an accident

** apple bottom jehan has kicked RAWR from the chat. **

apple bottom jehan: I’m not in the mood to listen to LIES

grandma: damn.. i didn’t know you had it in you

ferret: I shouldn’t be applauding kicking people, but well done.

Enjolras: Finally some goddamn peace and quiet around here.

Courgette: Let’s be nice, boys, he’s never going to let you off the hook about this.

ferret: Very true, we’ve had our fun.

** Courgette has added RAWR to the chat. **

RAWR: THANK you cosette

Courgette: Any time, Bahorel :)

apple bottom jehan: That was fun while it lasted.

apple bottom jehan: Anyway i was going to ask you guys for help

MARI: what’s up

apple bottom jehan: Can someone please help me cancel bahorel

fiji water: bro what

apple bottom jehan: I need someone to do the paperwork

bossyeet: jehan 

bossyeet: my son

bossyeet: you do know that cancelling isn’t a real thing right

apple bottom jehan: What

apple bottom jehan: Yes of course i know

potrack: i shouldn’t be laughing

panini: bruh 

apple bottom jehan: I DID KNOW

apple bottom jehan: No but seriously

apple bottom jehan: @RAWR

apple bottom jehan: I really do want to know why you’re so mean all the time

RAWR: beg your pardon?

apple bottom jehan: You heard me

apple bottom jehan: Is there a reason why you’re always so bitter?

RAWR: i don’t know what the fuck you’re on about??

ferret: Woah.

RAWR: if this is about that cactus then i’ve already told you it was an accident

apple bottom jehan: It’s not that…

RAWR: then what the fuck is it lmao

apple bottom jehan: Okay, if you’re going to be like that then i’d better take it some other time

RAWR: dumbass

potrack: yikes bahorel chill out

RAWR: fuckin ridiculous of you to bring it up if you weren’t gonna actually talk but ok i guess?

Enjolras: Jesus Christ. 

apple bottom jehan: Sorry?? I’d just rather not talk with you when you’re like that

RAWR: “like that” huh

apple bottom jehan: You get what i mean…

RAWR: not really, why don’t you tell me? :)

apple bottom jehan: You’re very defensive

Enjolras: Jehan, you know you’re not likely to get anywhere with this. 

Enjolras: Just leave it.

RAWR: jehan you’re literally the biggest dumbass

RAWR: dEfEnSiVe

apple bottom jehan: That’s pretty rude, bahorel..

RAWR: you had it coming with your “defensive” bs

RAWR: yikes 

**panini has kicked RAWR from the chat.**

panini: jesus fucking christ

**apple bottom jehan is now offline.**

Enjolras: That could’ve been avoided. 

Enjolras: But I’m not surprised that Bahorel, once again, seemed to not know when to shut up.

grandma: rElax enjy, we don’t need you gettin mad as well

grandma: it’s going to be fine, we’ll talk to the lad..

Enjolras: Good luck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thANk you for reading!!! i'll upload often, as i said <3 see you next time !!


	3. emo support group

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> bahorel has an awakening and we learn about grantaire's kitchen habits

**grandma has added RAWR and 2 others to the group chat “emo support group”.**

potrack: bruh the group name

potrack: this is middle school all over again

grandma: gentlemen…

Courgette: Pardon?

grandma: and dearest cosette of course

RAWR: what’s this supposed to be

grandma: see bahorel we just wanted to talk to you

grandma: you seem a little odd lately, mate

RAWR: ???

Courgette: Yeah, we’re worried about you!

potrack: is there anything bothering you?

RAWR: i don’t understand what you’re asking for here

RAWR: feels like a loaded question

potrack: it’s not, we’re just asking

grandma: wellllll

grandma: it could be loaded

grandma: you’ve been very on edge lately

grandma: what’s going on

RAWR: on edge???

RAWR: wdym

Courgette: You’re so hostile… 

Courgette: Especially with Jehan.

RAWR: eh

RAWR: am i though

grandma: you definitely are

grandma: and it’s hurtful to him

RAWR: it’s only because he’s being annoying first though

Courgette: Don’t say that. 

Courgette: Why is it you’re so rude to him?

RAWR: uh

RAWR: i don’t know, he’s just annoying???

RAWR: we just don’t go well together

potrack: fair enough but that’s not an excuse to be mean

RAWR: he just gets on my nerves

RAWR: it’s not rocket science lmao

Courgette: I’m not alone in thinking you should apologize, for one…

Courgette: And you should try to be nicer.

RAWR: apologize????

RAWR: what for

Courgette: First of all, his cactus…

potrack: in addition to the cactus

potrack: you were just rude to him

grandma: yeah!

Courgette: No one’s going to force you to be overly kind or anything, Bahorel.

Courgette: We just want you to be mindful of what you say.

grandma: you can ignore him if you want, we don’t care

grandma: just apologize first and don’t be a dick!

RAWR: alright, i guess?

**private chat: jehan and bahorel**

RAWR: hey jehan

RAWR: so i don’t know if you’ll see this any time soon

RAWR: but i just wanted to say i’m sorry about earlier

RAWR: i promise i’ll try to be nicer

RAWR: and i’ll get you a new cactus, of course

**apple bottom jehan is now online.**

apple bottom jehan: Oh

apple bottom jehan: That’s okay, you don’t have to get me another cactus (:: they’re not that expensive

RAWR: i owe you, though

RAWR: i’ve been a dick to you for a long time

apple bottom jehan: I think it’s really honourable of you that you want to get better

apple bottom jehan: If you want to buy me another cactus, i won’t stop you ;-)

RAWR: alright, it’s settled 

RAWR: i’ll go get one after school tomorrow, that sound okay?

apple bottom jehan: That sounds great!

apple bottom jehan: Thank you, bahorel, really

RAWR: :))

**group chat: emo support group**

RAWR: i’ve apologized now

RAWR: everything’s fine, i think?

RAWR: i offered to get him a new cactus

Courgette: Oh, that’s great!!

potrack: real proud of ya you little shit

RAWR: :*

RAWR: can one of you add me back to the group plz

**group chat: neatly assorted idiots**

**grandma has added RAWR to the chat.**

panini: oh dear

RAWR: hey everyone

RAWR: sorry for being a bit of a dick

Enjolras: No worries.

Enjolras: As long as you know to conduct yourself now, it’s fine, I guess.

Enjolras: Now that that’s over with, I’d like to make an announcement

potrack: oh dear

grandma: is this about the butter

grandma: bc that wasn’t me

Enjolras: There’s a butter situation? 

MARI: you can’t have seriously missed the butter situation

Enjolras: Alright, okay, I’ll get to the butter. 

Enjolras: Who keeps stealing all the apples?

grandma: oh

grandma: now that might have been me

Enjolras: Oh, well.

Enjolras: I guess you need them. You’re a growing boy.

grandma: i knew you’d understand <3

MARI: that’s disgusting.

Enjolras: ANYWAY. On to more pressing matters… 

Enjolras: Anyone care to explain what’s happening with the butter?

ferret: Someone keeps leaving it on the counter.

Enjolras: Oh.

Enjolras: Butter’s not supposed to be in room temperature.

ferret: …

ferret: It’s not you, is it?

Enjolras: Oh, no.

Enjolras: It’s Grantaire.

grandma: slander me like this

Enjolras: You really don’t think I know my way around with the butter, huh?

ferret: Enjolras, you can’t blame me.

ferret: You have a very odd patchwork of knowledge. 

grandma: VERY TRUE

Courgette: We’ve all noticed. 

potrack: you could hold a week long lecture about the french revolution but you think that a rhombus is the same as a triangle

Enjolras: Don’t attack me like this.

grandma: HE’S NOT LYING

Enjolras: Why’d we change the subject? This was about the butter.

Enjolras: Put your goddamn butter in the fridge, R.

Courgette: I can’t believe no one’s ever told Grantaire how to behave with butter before.

grandma: b-but enjy…

Enjolras: Don’t try it, R. 

Enjolras: You can’t stutter in a text conversation.

grandma: well goddamn enjy i can try

Enjolras: You’re weird. 

potrack: how domestic

Enjolras: No one likes warm butter, R. Just put it in the fridge when you’re done with it.

grandma: or what

Enjolras: Or you’re banished from the kitchen again. 

grandma: whichh meeaannnssss….

grandma: i’ll have an excuse to force you to cook for me?

Enjolras: For fuck’s sake.

Enjolras: Look, I’ll buy you some private butter that you can leave on the counter if you want. 

Enjolras: Just don’t defile the community butter like that.

grandma: i’d appreciate that a lot

grandma: but enjy i need you to know

grandma: “private butter” is perhaps the worst thing you’ve EVER said

Enjolras: Alright, okay, fair.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading!!!!!!!  
i haven't figured out some set time to upload on, so i'll just update whenever i feel like it, in the start at least ;D


	4. old man enjy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> les amis are hip on the trends and marius ships enjoltaire

**group chat: neatly assorted idiots**

Enjolras: I’m so done with all of you.

panini: pray tell

Enjolras: I enter the livingroom, right?

Enjolras: And what do i see?

Enjolras: Marius and Courf drinking apple juice out of champagne flutes.

ferret: Yikes.

Enjolras: I’m kermitting.

potrack: LISTEN

potrack: it’s a lifestyle, alright

Enjolras: An awful one at that. 

Enjolras: Those glasses are a pain to wash up, you know that, right?

MARI: well 

MARI: seeing as you’ve instigated a kitchen ban on both of us …

Enjolras: Fuck.

Enjolras: Okay, alright, I guess I’ll just have to burn that bridge when I get to it.

Enjolras: Might just get R to clean them for me.

grandma: why me

Enjolras: You’re not hard to bribe.

grandma: ok fair

grandma: for real though, you’ve banned so many people from the kitchen

grandma: it’s easier to list the people who  _ aren’t _ banned at this point

RAWR: actually true

RAWR: how many people are still allowed

apple bottom jehan: I am!!

Enjolras: I am, Combeferre and Grantaire too as far as I know.

grandma: tHats right babeY

Courgette: I am too, and Ponine’s allowed if I’m with her ^^

Enjolras: That’s… actually a good agreement.

Enjolras: R, from now one, you’re only allowed in the kitchen if someone (preferably myself) is supervising you.

grandma: damn..

grandma: i can live with that ;;;)))<3333333333

Enjolras: Choke.

Courgette: Ah! That reminds me of something. I need to ask you cool guys (and cool girl :D) a favour!

fiji water: us cool guys… 

Courgette: Please! You’re all always so hip on the trends, so I thought you’d know…

Courgette: Well, all of you except for Enjy. He’s an old man.

panini: bruh

Enjolras: Don’t slander my name like this.

potrack: ask away though

Courgette: So what’s that thing where you put two people on a boat?

grandma: sorry what

Courgette: Like when two people would be cute together so you put them on a boat?

ferret: I’m…

panini: cosette dear

panini: is it shipping you’re talking about

Courgette: Yeah!!

jelly bean: hHJSHAJD

bossyeet: that’s actually amazing

bossyeet: never stop being you, cosette

Courgette: ^^

Courgette: But what’s that about? Like, why a boat out of all things?

panini: i don’t know if i should laugh or cry

panini: there’s not really a boat, you know

Enjolras: I’m losing my mind.

Courgette: Oh…

Courgette: I thought there’d be a boat :(

panini: i’m really sorry about the boat,,

Courgette: It’s fine! You can’t help it that there’s no boat.

Courgette: I’ll just have to learn to live with this information.

grandma: i can’t breathe @ this

grandma: someone get cosette a boat right tf now

RAWR: why’d you want to know what  _ shipping _ is though

RAWR: like that’s a prehistoric term at this point

Courgette: I just heard Marius talking about it!

MARI: oh yeah i remember that

RAWR: and why were you talking about shipping in the good year of 2019

RAWR: again; it’s fucking  _ prehistoric _

MARI: it was after the butter situation with r and enjy

Enjolras: Pardon?

MARI: yes

MARI: it was pretty

MARI: soft

apple bottom jehan: I 100% agree

fiji water: get u a mans who will buy specific butter just for you

Enjolras: ???

Enjolras: I’m not following.

grandma: they’re exposing how much you looooove me

Enjolras: Oh.

Enjolras: Just because I’m getting you butter, that doesn’t have to mean I  _ love _ you.

Enjolras: If anything, it should indicate how much I love the butter.

grandma: you’re just a real dreamboat aren’t you enjy

Enjolras: That’s my brand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for checking back babes, hope you enjoyed!! it's been a while since the last update, since i haven't had a lot of time to write.. sorry!!~  
see you next time ;*


	5. bottoms get stripes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> cosette discovers a clever way to keep the lads from breaking glasses all the time

**group chat: neatly assorted idiots**

Courgette: Boys!

Courgette: Aaaaand Ponine, of course.

Courgette: I just had a wondrous idea.

jelly bean: spill

bossyeet: oh, joly’s here

bossyeet: i didn’t even know you were in this chat bruv you haven’t spoken in forever

jelly bean: yeah i was sleeping

jelly bean: just had some me time, you know how it is ^^

bossyeet: joly it’s been like four days

jelly bean: exactly!

Enjolras: What’s the idea?

Courgette: So I thought, seeing as most of you boys are veery clumsy…

Courgette: Let’s get plastic cups with different colours for everyone!

Courgette: I’m in the cup aisle right now. What colours would you all like?

grandma: omg that’s brilliant

grandma: i claim green

RAWR: i want the colour of my soul

Courgette: I’m sorry, Bahorel, I can’t find any pink glittery cups here.

RAWR: dammit

RAWR: black is fine then ://

Courgette: I want blue, I think…

Enjolras: Hmm.

Enjolras: I think I’ll have to go with red, for obvious reasons.

grandma: what are those obvious reasons enjy

Enjolras: Firstly… Red is sort of my color, isn’t it?

grandma: fair point you  _ do _ look good in red

Enjolras: Secondly… It’s the blood of angry men. 

Courgette: Blood of angry men for old man Enjolras. Got it.

Courgette: On second thought… There isn’t going to be enough colours for there to be one for all twelve of us. We’ll have to paint some with stripes, I suppose. 

potrack: easy! bottoms get stripes, tops get solids

grandma: that is a SMOOTH plan courf

grandma: what colour stripes do ya want enjy

fiji water: absolutely no chill

Enjolras: I mean, red and black would do just fine. 

potrack: i  _ love  _ how he doesn’t even try to lecture you

Enjolras: The fuck am I supposed to do?

Enjolras: R can’t be contained.

panini: i'm losing it 

panini: i want an ORANGE cup

panini: … with blue stripes

potrack: what a  _ brilliant _ way this is to get the dirt on everyone in this goddamn chat

potrack: bahorel i suppose you’ll need some stripes on your cup aye?

RAWR: i hate you

RAWR: green stripes:/

bossyeet: h-how do you know

potrack: bitch you can tell

potrack: his vibe, his  _ energy _

Enjolras: Don’t you have history, though?

potrack: yeah no we don’t speak of that

RAWR: don’t mention it

RAWR: i was desperate ok

MARI: my horoscope told me to get a pink cup with blue stripes

RAWR: in all honesty marius do you ever decide anything for yourself or do the stars control you like some sort of cosmic fbi agent

MARI: YOU KNOW WHAT BAHOREL

MARI: i decide for myself when i need to clock a bitch and i’m nearing my limit

RAWR: that’s perfectly fair tbh

MARI: in all honesty though

MARI: i’m starting to shake in my boots about that thing my horoscope said

MARI: (i talk a lot about horoscopes, i know, shut up)

MARI: it’s been years and i still haven’t met my prince charming…

MARI: or princess for that matter

apple bottom jehan: Marius

apple bottom jehan: It hasn’t even been a week

MARI: STILL

Enjolras: They’re going to come along soon enough, Marius.

Enjolras: You shouldn’t rush it.

Enjolras: They might even be closer than you think. 

Enjolras: @ferret 

Enjolras: Whoops, accident.

**dm: ferret and Enjolras**

ferret: What are you playing at?

Enjolras: Don’t worry about it :)

**group chat: neatly assorted idiots**

MARI: sigh…

MARI: i just wanna h*ld h*nds with someone bruv

Enjolras: We know, Marius. 

Enjolras: I’m sure Combeferre would hold your hand if you asked nicely. 

**dm: ferret and Enjolras**

ferret: No, seriously. What kind of scheme is this?

Enjolras: I’m trying to set you up, silly. 

ferret:  _ Why? _

ferret: I haven’t consented to this.

Enjolras: I know.

Enjolras: You just need a date.

**group chat: neatly assorted idiots**

MARI: @ferret would you :/

ferret: Of course. Isn’t that what friends are for?

grandma: i’m losing my mind

grandma:  _ of course i’ll hold your hand bro… i’m just doing what any good bro would do _

Enjolras: Spot on.

jelly bean: what’s this cup thing about

Courgette: Hi Joly, I’m getting plastic cups for the dorm. Since so many of the boys are so clumsy. It’s precautionary.

jelly bean: but what’s with the stripes n that

Courgette: You know what, you should just read the chat.

potrack: BOTTOMS ! GET ! STRIPES !

jelly bean: oh, we’re playing that

jelly bean: just surprise me honestly

Courgette: There’s a cup here with animal footprints on. That sound good?

jelly bean: splendid

grandma: see that’s his inner furry speaking

jelly bean: do you want me to whack you over the head

grandma: that don’t sound too bad, if i’m honest

grandma: love me a good whack

Enjolras: Yikes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading babes x  
sorry it takes a while between each chapter, school is a pain right now :/


	6. gay panic: exposed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> feuilly tries to be helpful but ends up making a foolproof plan to get two of his friends together

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi guys!!! it's been a long long while and i'm sorry! these past few weeks of school have been rough and i've needed the christmas break to get back in the game, but here i am with another chapter! thanks for all the kudos and comments, and i hope you guys enjoy!

**dm: feuilly and combeferre**

fiji water: unrelated but

fiji water: don’t think i didn’t see you going into gay panic earlier

ferret: For god’s sake. It’s three in the morning.

ferret: Don’t target me at this hour.

fiji water: listen.

fiji water: WHEN are you going to do something about that crush on marius

ferret: What crush?

fiji water: don’t play that with me mister

fiji water: you better trust and believe i see those heart eyes

ferret: I really don’t know what you’re talking about.

fiji water: ferrreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

fiji water: just say it

ferret: Sigh.

ferret: He doesn’t like me.

fiji water: YES HE DOESSSSS

fiji water: don’t you see him using that horoscope thing as an excuse to hit on you

ferret: He does not do that…

fiji water: he does bruv

fiji water: listen.

fiji water: we’re all tired of this dumb pining thing

fiji water: and… christmas is soon..

fiji water: and if you can’t say it at christmas, when can you, eh?

fiji water: so you should tell him, just because it’s christmas… and at christmas we tell the truth

ferret: You’ve got some nerve on you, lad. Quoting Love Actually incorrectly to me like that.

fiji water: it was completely necessary.

fiji water: anywayyyy if you’re not going to tell him, i might just do it for ya

ferret: I’ll tell Courf you’re thirsting after him, then.

fiji water: nice try kid, as if that’s a secret

fiji water: i bet everyone on campus knows my door is wide open for courf<3

ferret: There are… quite a few ways to interpret that.

fiji water: exactly<3

ferret: That’s gnarly.

ferret: Seriously though, don’t say anything, please. 

ferret: I am going to tell him how I feel eventually. Promise.

fiji water: alright alrighttt just hurry up!!!, the clock is ticking

fiji water: god knows how little time you have left

ferret: If that’s not the most fucking ominous message I’ve ever read…

**fiji water has added grandma and 8 others to the group chat “zodiac killers”.**

fiji water: i have an … ethical question 4 u all

fiji water: about prostitution… kindof

potrack: bruh

Enjolras: Riiiiight?

fiji water: would you say it’s very ethically to try to convince two people to confess to eachother while they both don’t know that the other is being convinced too

grandma: woah

Enjolras: Prostitution, out of all things…

jelly bean: yeah uh how do you hook that up to prostitution

grandma: take me through that again will ya

grandma: i caught literally nothing of that

bossyeet: i take it this is about mr. ferret and marius, since you’re saying it here where they can’t see it?

fiji water: you are absolutely correct

fiji water: is it wrong

grandma: i mean, since you mentioned prostitution…

grandma: you could earn some solid coin if you made your scheme into a bet 

Enjolras: ...

Enjolras: You’d capitalize someone else’s whippedness?

Enjolras: Isn’t that a bit much?

grandma: without doubt

grandma: listen enjy i’m broke as fuck

grandma: at this point i’d go sober for a week if it earned me money

Enjolras: That’s... a lot for you, R.

Enjolras: But seriously, if you’re really in the shit economically… You know you can just ask me for help, right??

grandma: yeah no i don’t really wanna be /that/ friend

Enjolras: Don’t try it, R. Friends help each other out.

fiji water: THIS IS ALL VERY VERY SWEET BUT WE’RE GETTING DISTRACTED FROM THE MATTER AT HAND

fiji water: is it wrong or not

potrack: i’d say it’s completely okay

potrack: as long as you don’t get ahead of yourself, mate

fiji water: oh, you know i’d never do that!!!

**dm: marius & feuilly**

fiji water: hey marius

MARI: hEllo

fiji water: i had a realisation recently

MARI: what’s this realisation got to do with me

fiji water: well you see

fiji water: it’s horoscope related

fiji water: YOUR horoscope

MARI: tell me more…

fiji water: just so we’re clear

fiji water: your horoscope said you’ll find someone special in your life soon right

MARI: correct

fiji water: so

fiji water: i have a hunch… to who this person might be

MARI: i smell a stunt, feuilly…

MARI: but keep going, i’m listening

fiji water: my hot potato take is that this person is 

fiji water: drumroll please

MARI: uh

MARI: what do you want me to do

fiji water: just say brrrrrrrr

MARI: okay

MARI: brrrRRrRrrR

fiji water: my god i love the immersion marius

fiji water: but i think that this person is

fiji water: COMBEFERRE

MARI: out of all people why’d you guess him

MARI: is it because THAT ONE TIME i made out with him when we were drunk

fiji water: bro…

fiji water: there might have been that one time with combeferre when you were drunk

fiji water: but the what, fifty other times?

fiji water: you were sober as a judge, my friend

MARI: might be him honestly

MARI: he’s cute

fiji water: exactly!

MARI: i’m tempted to shoot my shot but

MARI: y’know he seems kinda weird around me

MARI: i dunno if he’d want that

fiji water: butttttt you like himmmmmmmmm

fiji water: and i just… have the feeling it’d work….. idk

fiji water: you’ll never know if you don’t try!!!!

MARI: okay true

MARI: you know what? at new year’s, i’ll see what i can do

fiji water: that’s the best thing you’ve ever said ever

**dm: feuilly and combeferre**

fiji water: ALSO

fiji water: just a thought…

fiji water: if and when you are going to confess…

fiji water: why not just risk it all and try new year’s eve?

ferret: You know what? I have nothing to lose. Why not.

fiji water: MARVELOUS

fiji water: you’re a champ, ferre

**group chat: zodiac killers**

fiji water: good news

grandma: you’re moving out? :o

fiji water: i’ll put you in the rice cooker grantaire

grandma: please do honestly that sounds so classy

fiji water: no really my plan worked out perfectly

Enjolras: Pray tell.

Courgette: Did you make your scheme into a bet?

fiji water: unfortunately.. no

fiji water: i considered it, i really did

RAWR: goddamnit you kids need to learn how to make COIN

RAWR: sometimes you gotta risk it all to make that money you know

RAWR: that’s really how it be on this capitalist earth… you gotta abandon the sentiment bro

Enjolras: Not for nothing, Bahorel, but you’re a textbook example of a bastard child of the bourgeoisie.

Enjolras: The fuck do you know about abandoning sentiment for coin?

panini: oh my god shut up both of you

panini: you’re both privileged shitheads

grandma: enjy you’re a clown if you think we’ve forgotten you’re a rich only child

Enjolras: Let me live my revolutionist fantasy, R, Goddammit.

fiji water: okay karl marx are you gonna let me tell you about the AMAZING THING I JUST DID

apple bottom jehan: All this talk of the bourgeoisie distracted me completely

apple bottom jehan: What’d you do, feuilly?

fiji water: right okay so you know how marius and combeferre are so weird and oblivious right

Enjolras: Oh _ yeah. _

fiji water: so i convinced them both to confess to each other on new year’s eve

grandma: that’s somewhere in between diabolical and incredible

grandma: i love it!

Enjolras: How’d you manage to convince Combeferre to try it that soon? That sounds like an ordeal all on its own.

fiji water: i have my ways :*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading and i hope you enjoyed!!!! please subscribe if you liked this, i'll try my very very best to upload more often!!


	7. operation anticlimax

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> an elaborate plan fails twice, enjolras makes a wrong assumption

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi!!! i'm sorry it's really been a while!! if you're still here i love you and thank you so much for reading

**group chat: neatly assorted idiots**

Enjolras: I’m late, but I guess it’s time for a new years’ revolution.

potrack: you mean resolution?

Enjolras: I know what I said.

potrack: incredibly on-brand

Enjolras: Honestly, I actually meant to write resolution, but here we are.

Courgette: What’s your resolution, then?

Enjolras: To get better at cooking, actually.

Courgette: Woah. Impressive.

Enjolras: It’s also to always calculate thoroughly before buying R a present. Fucking hell.

Courgette: Care to elaborate?

Enjolras: I made the horrible, horrible mistake of giving R really high quality speakers for christmas.

Enjolras: Just what in the hell is it you’re listening to?

grandma: it’s called german pop, enjy! look it up >:(

RAWR: don’t tell me the bitch is listening to moskau

Enjolras: I don’t know what it’s called, but I hate it.

grandma: did you seriously like the gift i got for you though

grandma: i know you’re the type to say you liked it when you receive it but actually throw it in the garbage

grandma: i just want to know if i hit the nail on the head or not

Enjolras: Yes, R, how many times do I have to tell you? I really loved it.

**private chat: courfeyrac and grantaire**

potrack: what’d you get him again

grandma: a drawing of him

potrack: oh my god

**group chat: neatly assorted idiots**

Enjolras: I’d never throw it away. It’s gorgeous. You’re really talented.

grantaire: aww thanks enjy

grantaire: i’m really glad u think so

MARI: HI GUYS IT’S ME 

MARI: @Courgette do you wanna go shopping this weekend

Courgette: Ah hi, I’d love that, Marius!!! It’s been so long since we’ve hung out.

**group chat: zodiac killers**

Enjolras: That reminds me, how did your plan go?

fiji water: oh boy it went to SHIT

fiji water: they both chickened out

Enjolras: … are you serious?

fiji water: UH YEAH

fiji water: it was A HUUUUGE anticlimax

Enjolras: Huh. Why am I not surprised.

Enjolras: I’m starting to think he has the hots for someone else.

fiji water: oh yeah like who?

apple bottom jehan: Enj with all due respect you’re the most emotionally blind person I’ve met in my life

RAWR: i second that

Enjolras: I’m not so sure. Can’t trust that boy.

Enjolras: I’ll be back.

grandma: don’t do anything stupid now

**private chat: enjolras and marius**

Enjolras: Marius, I need you to understand that I cannot under any circumstance let you bone my sister.

MARI: WHAT?

Enjolras: Just in case you needed a reminder.

MARI: jesus christ- 

MARI: enjorla.s.

MARI: what in the world makes you think i want to do … that… with cosette

Enjolras: You’re not into her?

MARI: NO? WE’RE BESTIES WHAT THE HELL ENJOLRAS

Enjolras: Oh. Well.

Enjolras: Have a nice day, then.

MARI: i like combeferre i thought feuilly had told you all this wtf

Enjolras: Well, yeah, but I got suspicious. You know me.

Enjolras: Sorry, this was awkward.

MARI: no worries omg ??

**group chat: zodiac killers**

Enjolras: Right. I made a mistake.

grandma: what’d you do…

Enjolras: Not important :)

**MARI has added ferret and 8 others to the group chat “red is also the colour of love”.**

MARI: RIGHT I’VE HAD IT

fiji water: i’m so curious what did enjolras do to you

MARI: HE CLAIMED I WANTED TO BONE COSETTE?

fiji water: hELP ARE YOU FOR REAL

Courgette: Woah.

bossyeet: good bye

bossyeet: what did he say

MARI: oh i’ll tell you

MARI: he said “marius i need you to know that i can’t let you bone my sister”

MARI: LIKE?????

MARI: COSETTE DEAR I LOVE YOU BUT??? I’M GAY

Courgette: News.

MARI: ANYWAYS ENOUGH WITH THE SASS

MARI: i’ve decided that i’ve had enough of the pining.

potrack: GOOD MORNING BITCH WE ALL HAD ENOUGH AGES AGO

potrack: it’s so ridiculous

potrack: and we’ve been livin with this shite for YEARS

potrack: enjolras: i am attracted to dumbasses and dumbasses only

potrack: grantaire: why do meteorites always land in craters

potrack: enjolras, already unbuttoning his shirt: god r you’re so fucking stupid-

potrack: these fuckers got me all wired up

fiji water: oh my god courf breathe

fiji water: anyway yeah we’re all tired of the pining but what do you suppose we do?

MARI: we stage… an intervention.

jelly bean: excuse me?

MARI: COURF, your codename is now eagle three

potrack: who are the first two eagles

MARI: me and bos. get with the program

potrack: how could i forget

MARI: anyway your task is... to say something controversial.

potrack: uh huh

MARI: and start an argument

MARI: between enj and r

ferret: Forgive me for questioning your authority, but what good is that going to do?

panini: yeah i second that what the hell marius…

MARI: my theory is that if we get them to argue it could lead to one of those angry confessions you know

potrack: marius

potrack: dear, stupid himbo marius

potrack: are you suggesting we get our friends to have an actual serious argument in an attempt to set them up

MARI: …. not at all

MARI: listen just don’t say anything serious

potrack: okay uhm. roger that sir

**group chat: neatly assorted idiots**

potrack: the black cookie part is the best part of the oreo

potrack: not the white

potrack: thoughts? @grandma and @Enjolras

Enjolras: Are you seriously going to sit here, in my house, right in front of my salad

Enjolras: And imply that the cookie part isn’t the absolute worst crunchy mess imaginable?

MARI: darkness without light is an abyss

MARI: light without darkness is blinding

MARI: you cannot have a coin with one side

grandma: yo socrates 

grandma: it’s a fucking cookie

potrack: mariusyoubastardstopfoilingthePLAN

**group chat: red is also the colour of love**

potrack: good job marius ruining your own gameplan

MARI: okay sorry i had to.

potrack: what’s the backup plan

MARI: uh... have someone talk to grantaire?

RAWR: well if that wasn’t anticlimactic

apple bottom jehan: Who’s going to talk to him?

MARI: actually jehan why don’t you do it

apple bottom jehan: Sure!

**private chat: jehan and grantaire**

apple bottom jehan: Hi r!

grandma: oh hey jehan

apple bottom jehan: I have a question for you

grandma: shoot

apple bottom jehan: You’re into enjolras right?

grandma: oh, yeah

grandma: why?

apple bottom jehan: Oh that was easier than i had expected.

grandma: dude it’s not like i’m subtle about it

grandma: why are you asking?

apple bottom jehan: Well for one i was curious

apple bottom jehan: How come you haven’t confessed to him yet?

grandma: for one i don’t see any point in rushing it, honestly

grandma: i’ve been dropping hints to him, which he’s very obviously ignoring on purpose

grandma: if he was interested, he’d have caught on by now, yeah?

grandma: if not he’d just see it as joking, ya know?

grandma: yeah, i like him a lot and would like a relationship if he was on board with that

grandma: but i don’t sweat it

grandma: marius said something about how he read the stars and they said me and him were meant to be

grandma: and frankly marius and his stars have never been wrong about a damn thing

grandma: i’m in no hurry, nor am i in any place to rush him or stress him out

grandma: if it is meant to be, like marius said, it’ll come in time

apple bottom jehan: Woah

apple bottom jehan: That was really beautiful

grandma: thanks! why were you wondering, though?

apple bottom jehan: To be honest with you, marius wants to set you guys up

apple bottom jehan: He’s a bit salty because enjolras claimed he was trying to get it on with cosette.

grandma: oh i see

grandma: can you please tell him not to do it?

grandma: if it happens, i want it to happen by itself

grandma: get it?

apple bottom jehan: Yeah, of course

apple bottom jehan: I’ll try to convince them!

grandma: thanks jehan, you’re a treasure

apple bottom jehan: i try, i try :)

**group chat: red is also the colour of love**

apple bottom jehan: New plan lads

apple bottom jehan: Let it happen by itself

potrack: jehan?? dear?? aren’t you getting the memo ?? they can’t be trusted????

apple bottom jehan: Listen here

apple bottom jehan: R really wanted to let it happen naturally

apple bottom jehan: My suggestion is we try harder to set up marius and combeferre, since the last attempt clearly failed.

ferre: What?

MARI: what?

apple bottom jehan: Just do the math boys <3 i’ll leave you to it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks so much for reading! i came across the incredible idea of writing down ideas for future chapters WHICH MEANS i'll try to upload more often!!!!!!!!!!!1
> 
> i'll see you next time and thanks for the kudos!!!

**Author's Note:**

> woah thanks for reading mate!! i'll try to update often, so stay tuned if you liked this first chapter!
> 
> i love feedback, so if you have anything to say then don't be afraid to say it!


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